This past week I have a Heavy Heart…..Most of what I write is just my thoughts and the way I see things, how I Believe some things are but yet not usually anything I’m going through but just from experience and how I see things……..However, this week has been a little different. It has been written more with a heavy heart. I am going to get a little personal about my life at the moment as I feel I need to share it with someone….I will try to keep it short. I have been busy with family, thoughts and not in the writing mood as the tears will flow and then I get interrupted as I rarely have time to myself and am even without my husband and children whom I miss terribly and wish were here to comfort me…..
I always try to write about Positive Things, Things to make one think and enjoy life a little more….I just want everyone to be happy and to enjoy and embrace the lives they have and this week has been the same but more from the heart than normal with my heartache and regrets but yet everything is a two way street.
A week ago I found out my Grandmother, my moms mom had had a massive stroke and was in the hospital and unresponsive……mixed emotions ran through me. My mothers side of the family was once somewhat close but had gotten more and more distant as the years have passed amongst the 9 children and my grandparents and has trickled down to the cousins. (I am just as guilty for not staying in touch or seeing everyone as the rest of them are.) I was okay not rushing or coming to see her as I was at peace with the relationship that I did have with my grandmother and okay with remembering my her as she was and as I remember her…….but yet, I struggled with going with my mother to be there for her….as it started to consume my thoughts and how it worried me about how my mother would look at things and how it might go with her siblings and step-dad……how would all of the siblings interact?!? I realized I needed to go, to be there for her and for myself for my own piece of mind.
I have a different relationship with my mom as I tend to have to try to keep her grounded with her thoughts and emotions and help her think outside the box and not look at life in just one way as she instantly sees it and try to remind her that everyone is going through their own issues and to not be so judgmental or take things so personal. I did not live with her for several years and I moved in with my Aunt & Uncle (her sister) for awhile growing up. I know that she is still hurt and feels that she was a terrible mother but she was doing the best that she could at the time and I know this but I needed more (long story and not what I am writing about today). My mother also struggles with things and people due to the religion that she is living as everyone is damned unless your in their religion, she tries to push it on others so they can be saved and if something is said that she doesn’t believe is right as far as beliefs she instantly gets flustered and sometimes makes comments and other times catches herself first……huge struggle for me as she is still my mom but has so many changes throughout her life that she is also not the fun loving person she once was but yet she is happy and doing and seeing more of the world than my entire life growing up!!!
As we arrived at the hospital I could see the tension already building up within my mother and not just the emotions from my grandmother being in the hospital………over the next few days as more of my moms siblings arrived the tension came and went, the emotions varied and I found myself in the middle of everyone keeping the peace in an emotional manner that I would have expected out of my older relatives as I was growing up and not out of me but yet I kind of expected this as I have been looking back at how things have been in years past. The difference now is that I am older, I can voice my opinion and I have been through a lot and tend to see things differently, I can see the different emotions and tensions between them but yet I actually understand a little more and can process why they are this way and why I am feeling as I do (sometimes may take me a bit)!!!
I was able to say it was okay for them feeling how they do but that they aren’t the only one with pain and that they may be seeing things one way like it use to be but it may NOT be that way anymore if they give it a chance……it actually worked a little and was nice and calming and SO good to see everyone talking, smiling and laughing like I can remember from my childhood despite the awkward tension off and on!!! Yes, they have been through a lot in their childhood and into adulthood and I have NEVER walked in their shoes but I can see their pain and yet I can see the love they still have for each-other as well. For most of them they haven’t learned or been able to let go of the past and possibly never will!!! They still hold it inside and let the pain get to them and radiate in their behavior and out onto others, the grudges from the past are seeping through their mannerisms. I even had one Aunt whom I never had any issues with growing up and actually liked her despite her being different that completely ignored me, wouldn’t acknowledge me even though she looked right at me a few times as I tried to talk to her and say hello and introduce myself as I am an adult and no longer a child…….but I was NOT the only one she did this with!! When she arrived she snubbed all but 2 people……the aura around her was heavy, it was as though she was better than us all and if you called her by her birth name, the one given to her by my grandparents there was hell to be paid and she let you know that that is NOT her name as she changed it several years ago to a Tribal name that had meaning in the Tlingit Tribe my grandmother was from………to me she will always be Auntie Alice as this is who she is……..
My grandmother on her death bed managed to accomplish something that hadn’t been done in years, she had brought her family together once again!!! Her children were able to talk to her, touch her and let her know they still loved her and to say some words that had been unspoken for years and some words that they needed her to hear for closure……………..
Why is it that in Death people can get together, love one another, laugh, smile and talk amongst each other but yet NOT do this in our every day lives?!?!?!?!?! Re-kindling relationships for me was awesome as I love them all, have great memories with every single one of them!! Throughout my younger years a few of them helped me grow, helped me see how families can be, helped me discover some of myself and who I wanted to be so they all hold a special place in my heart even though we are far apart and haven’t kept in touch as we should have been!! This I want to fix, I want to stay in contact again and be more of a family if at all possible………What will happen between them?? That is a good question, time will tell what the outcome of that will be.
My grandmother passed peacefully Thursday, April 23, 2015………her funeral will be this Tuesday and I will have a chance again to be with some of my moms side of the family. 🙂
My Heavy Heart does NOT stop there……all this week we have been here in the Wenatchee, WA area with my mothers family and up at the hospital with grandma to let her know we care and to be there for grandpa and other family members……..I am an emotional person to begin with and sympathize greatly so I deal differently, process differently and yet try to keep my emotions in check for everyone else but sometimes the floodgates just open unexpectedly……….
Little did I know that I would have more heartache besides just my grandmother…….when we left the hospital Wednesday night April 22, 2015 the night before grandma passed, I found out that one of my little brothers had passed away that afternoon (a sibling from my father)! He was only 26!! Seriously, he was gone all of a sudden and I had never gotten to know him like I should have as a bigger sister!!!! He had been using drugs off and on for several years, been in and out of jail for stealing and everything had taken a toll on his body, especially his heart. He ended up in the hospital, had several strokes and an infection in his heart that spread to his body and he was gone quickly. He was in the hospital for a couple of days but at first they thought it was pneumonia and sent him home and just got worse, the antibiotics weren’t working….back to the hospital he went, they thought all would be okay so the family had left him to rest, they had left him by himself at the hospital……..suddenly he was slipping away and the family didn’t make it back to the hospital before he passed away……….This all took place in the Seattle, WA area which is about 4 hours from where I am now in the Wenatchee, WA area. My heart aches and I feel awful for that side of my family……my step mother who has already endured such heartache, my other brother and sister and the rest of their side of the family…….so much heartache…..Cobey leaves behind a longtime girlfriend and a beautiful red headed little girl, it just breaks my heart as there’s nothing I can say or do to make this better!!!!!
Once again this is family that I am more distant with than I once was when I was younger……..now, once again regrets, emotions and various feelings running wild!!!! I am 39 now and met my dad and his family when I was about 9 years old….I am the oldest of all my siblings. I visited my dad several times throughout my younger years and spent time with him and his lovely wife Norma and my siblings plus his other family members also got to know my step-moms family. As I got out on my own and got married 21 years ago we moved out of Washington and into Montana….10+ hours away…..I continued to talk to my dad and step-mom off and on but we drifted apart as they were raising their family and we were raising ours. There is only a couple of years difference between my first born and my youngest sibling. Things happen….we stayed in touch and only saw each other a couple of times over the next several years until November 2012….my father was once again in the hospital and not expected to pull through. I went and spent 2 weeks in Seattle area with my father and the family. I spent the night with my father in the hospital and had some of the best quality time I’ve ever had with him. I learned so much about him, his childhood, his being in Vietnam and we were able to talk bout his regrets with me and my growing up and with my family, we talked about things that had gone unspoken for all these years. I was able to tell him “NO REGRETS”….I am who I am because of what I’ve been through, because of what I’ve learned and that I have NO ILL WILL towards him whatsoever and later in life we were both raising our families and struggling to survive!!! The difference in him and the look of relief and happiness as the tears rolled down both of our faces is what sticks with me the most. He passed away the following June 2013.
I have never been close with this side of my family but yet still have a bond with them……..after my dad passed away I called and tried to stay in contact but only had my one brother Corey that would call me back if he noticed that I would call. I continued to leave messages just saying hello and sending my love anyways. Several months after my father passed away I received a letter from my step-mom saying she was sorry she had not been in touch but she was still struggling with losing my father but one day when she is ready wanted to talk to me about my father and things but wasn’t ready yet. This made me happy, it did my heart good and made me feel better as I had given up hope of being able to stay in contact with them. I have been silent and given her her space……..now I wish I would have continued and tried more.
I may not have been as close as I should have been with my grandmother and brother but I still care, I still feel the pain and heartache as they still touched my life…..I still have wonderful fun memories of being with them……..I still spent quality time with them that affected me throughout my life!!
How can so much time pass without being in touch with our loved ones? How can we let so much time go by without spending time with our loved ones?? Why can’t everything be a two-way street??? I have NO Regrets as there is nothing I can do about the past, I do wish I had tried harder but I cannot dwell on what I cannot fix or change………I am now dealing and trying to heal internally with the loss of two people that touched my life that I loved dearly despite the time apart!!!!
Am I being too emotional and sensitive????!!!!!????!!!???!!?? Is it unreasonable of me to think and hope that the different family members can learn to let go of the past and have relationships amongst themselves again????? Do I really think rationally and help anyone or am I just in my own little world????? Am I over analyzing and seeing things wrongly???? Why am I so emotional and yet a happy person and why do I end up feeling like things are up to me to fix?!?!?!?!?!
So many emotions running through me………. R.I.P. my loving Grandma and R.I.P. my youngest Brother Cobey
Thank you for reading my thoughts……..Robin Robinson