As the New Year has started I have been “Soul Searching”! Have I mentally, physically & spiritually (never been too religious) lost my way? Have I lost my way, have I forgotten and lost who I really am? Have I lost my way and part of who I am?!?!?! I am writing this honestly in hopes to inspire anyone to reach out and find themselves again, to help someone remember who they are and hopefully to show someone that they are NOT alone!!!
I have been so busy with everyday life….raising a family, being a mother, being a wife, being a friend that I may have lost some of “me” along the way as I am being needed less and less now days!!!
I am realizing that I always put everyone else first and myself last!! I want what’s best for everyone both inside and outside of my family! I want everyone to be Happy, Succeed In Life & I want to Please Everyone!!
I have a wonderful husband who has always provided for his family, who has loved me unconditionally through all of our ups and downs in the past 21 years but I have been struggling with inner demons of sorts that’s making me unhappy and feel as though I’ve lost touch with some of “ME”!!!! I feel it is starting to affect my family a little, I feel they can sense I’m Not as “Happy” as I usually am!!!
1. Is it the fear of losing my family as they are all growing up…our oldest is on his own, our middle graduates in June and heads into the Marines and our youngest graduates in 2 1/2 years and is heading into the military.
2. Is it that my husband is making plans for our future….traveling, downsizing, moving on & leaving our comfort zone behind. (I too want to do this but it scares me.)
3. Is it that I’m already “Empty Nesting”…..we are now in a rental, I can clean the whole house in 1/2 a day, we don’t have nearly as many teenagers around the house all the time, I fear losing touch with my children and others whom we have tried to guide and be there for that I love so much!!
4. Is it the fear that I may lose my husband after all these years?!?! When the kids are gone will he still like me, will he still love me, will he still want to be with me, will we still get along?!?!
5. Is it that I’m just going stir crazy and have too much free time?!?! I have less teenagers around to feed, to clean up after. I have less house to clean and to consume my time. Is it that I have more time on my hands and too much time to think and analyze things and that I do not have something to keep me busy anymore and that I feel lost without feeling as needed as I have in the past?!?!
All of these are some of the things that have been going through my head. I think it is time to take back “ME”……to find another purpose!! Don’t get me wrong, I love my life and my family but as the kids have grown older I have been needed less and less. I have gotten “clingy” to my husband to try and fill some of this void which I think is starting to push him away a little. I have NEVER had to work and the past few years since the boys have gotten older I substitute at the schools off and on for something to do.
I believe that I need to find something that makes me feel useful, makes me fill like I’m contributing to something or someone, I believe I need to find something else that makes my heart full again. I do crochet for something to do but it’s Not enough. I love my family and friends and this as nothing to do with them but has everything to do with me!! I feel as though something is missing, another purpose as my kids are moving on and not needing me as they once did!!!
I am seriously thinking about Volunteering at a Hospice or Old Folks Home……I love to nurture and help someone!! I have been thinking about this for the past several months as it always breaks my heart seeing someone alone and lonely! I for one do NOT want to die alone, I do NOT want to be lonely in my older years!! Maybe I can help someone be happier and make myself happier and have the “Happy Go Lucky” me again that everyone loves!!! Including myself!!!
This next week I plan to talk to some people at our local Hospices & Nursing Homes, to stop by and visit and see what opportunities there may be and who may need a volunteer the most. I plan to see if anyone has any ideas on me donating some of the things I make. I will write more next week about my findings…..please find things that make you happy, that make you remember who you are, that will help you mentally, physically & spiritually!!!